Key Takeaways

There’s no single “right” relationship structure—what matters is what aligns with your values, needs, and boundaries.
Reflecting deeply on your emotional style, desires, and deal-breakers is the first step.
Explore conversations, experiments, and resources to clarify what structure feels authentic.

1. Understand Your Core Needs and Values

Before diving into any relationship structure—whether it’s monogamy, solo polyamory, relationship anarchy, an open relationship, or something else entirely—it’s important to start with you. Not what your partner(s) want. Not what your friends are doing. Not what TikTok says is “liberating”. Just you.

Take some time to ask yourself:

Do I crave sexual exclusivity, emotional exclusivity, both — or neither? Or do I feel most aligned with a model where connection isn’t defined by exclusivity at all?
How do I feel about the idea of different people fulfilling different emotional or intimate needs?
What boundaries feel essential to me—like safe sex practices, public visibility, nesting arrangements, or how time is shared?

This kind of self-reflection isn’t about locking yourself into one label or making the “perfect” choice but about understanding your inner landscape—what makes you feel safe, seen, connected, and free. That awareness becomes the foundation for whatever relationship structure you decide to explore. Because ultimately, ethical connection starts with knowing yourself.

2. Explore Different Structures

Once you have a better sense of your core needs, the next step is to learn about the different ways people shape their relationships. There’s no hierarchy here—no structure that’s “more evolved” or “more ethical” than another. Just different ways people choose to connect, love, and build their lives.

Keep in mind, the structures below are just a few examples. There are countless ways to create relationships that fit your unique values and desires.

Structure: Monogamy

What it Means: One partner, emotionally and sexually exclusive

What It Can Offer: Deep focus on one relationship, cultural familiarity, and streamlined decision-making

Structure: Open Relationship

What it Means: A committed partnership that allows for intimate, romantic, or sexual connections beyond the relationship, as agreed upon

What It Can Offer: A strong emotional anchor with room for exploration, novelty, and growth

Structure: Polyamory

What it Means: Multiple ongoing romantic and/or emotional relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved

What It Can Offer: Emotional depth across multiple connections, expanded intimacy, and shared values

Structure: Solo Polyamory

What it Means: Multiple romantic relationships, with an emphasis on independence—no default nesting, merging, or hierarchy

What It Can Offer: Personal freedom, self-prioritization, and diverse relational experiences

Structure: Relationship Anarchy

What it Means: No predefined roles or hierarchy—relationships are designed individually, guided by mutual values

What It Can Offer: Radical flexibility, egalitarian connection, and creative co-authorship

These structures can all support love, stability, and long-term commitment. What differs is the shape they take and the values they center.

Now ask yourself: What kind of relationship structure supports the kind of life I want to live? Let your intuition and lived experience guide you. This is less about fitting into a category and more about finding a framework that allows you to be fully yourself.

5. Have Open Conversations with Partner(s)

No matter how exciting (or intimidating) a new structure feels, it has to be built in partnership—with honesty, care, and mutual consent. You don’t have to convince someone to go along with your preference. You should explore your desires together, in a way that honors everyone’s needs and boundaries.

You could say:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of relationship structure actually supports who I am and how I love. Can we have a conversation about it?”

From there, invite open dialogue around:

What you each want emotionally, sexually, and logistically
What boundaries are non-negotiable
Fears, insecurities, or hopes that arise
What each of you needs to feel safe and connected

Even if you don’t land on a clear answer right away, these conversations are powerful tools for building trust, self-knowledge, and collaboration. Keep in mind that you’re are designing a relationship structure, but you’re also designing how you navigate uncertainty together.

6. Leverage Resources and Community

You don’t have to figure this all out on your own. There are so many amazing resources out there that can help you learn from real experiences and avoid common pitfalls. Books like Opening Up and More Than Two —and of course, blogs like ENMLiving —offer insightful guidance.

Think about reaching out to supportive spaces, whether that’s therapy (solo or with your partner(s)), workshops, local ENM meet-ups, or online forums. These communities are great places to ask questions, share doubts, and discover things you might not have expected.

Connecting with others who’ve walked this path can make the journey feel less lonely and a lot more inspiring.

7. Check In — and Adapt When Needed

Relationships—and the ways we structure them—are never set in stone. What feels right today might shift over time, and that’s completely okay. That’s why regular check-ins are so important, whether that’s monthly, quarterly, or whatever rhythm works for you.

During these check-ins, ask yourselves:

What’s working well?
What isn’t quite fitting anymore?
Are your boundaries still clear and respected?
Is everyone’s emotional well-being being cared for?

If something feels off or out of sync, don’t hesitate to talk about making changes—whether that means tightening boundaries, loosening them, or even reimagining the whole structure. Flexibility and honest communication keep your connections healthy and thriving.

8. Factor In Your Life Circumstances and Logistics

Your emotional readiness matters—but so do your time, energy, and material conditions. A relationship structure that feels aligned on paper might still feel unsustainable if it clashes with your daily life.

Consider questions like:

• Do I have time and capacity to nurture multiple relationships?

• Would this structure work with parenting, caregiving, or my work life?

• How do finances, housing, or long-distance dynamics play into it?

• Am I ready to manage group chats, calendars, or emotional labor?

Choosing a structure that fits your life helps prevent burnout and resentment. You can always revisit and adapt as your circumstances change.

9. Identity, Culture, and Community Matter

Our relationship choices don’t happen in a vacuum. Who we are—our race, gender, class, neurotype, cultural background, and more—can shape what feels safe, possible, and available in our connections.

For instance:

LGBTQIA+ and BIPOC individuals may sometimes encounter extra scrutiny or stigma around nontraditional relationships.
Family dynamics—whether shaped by immigration, religion, or culture—can influence what feels comfortable to share and how relationships are navigated.
Neurodivergent people might find they prefer more structure, less hierarchy, or different rhythms than neurotypical norms offer.

It’s important to acknowledge these factors as part of the complex, beautiful context that shapes how we love. Recognizing and honoring them helps us approach relationships with greater care, community, and intentionality.

Final Thoughts

Choosing the kind of relationship structure that feels right isn’t about checking off a list or fitting into a category. It’s a living, breathing process that grows and changes as you do—a reflection of who you are and how you want to connect with the people in your life. The best fit respects your emotional world, honors your need for freedom and boundaries, and includes the voices of those you share your journey with.

There’s no set formula or exact blueprint. Instead, cultivating self-awareness, engaging in open and honest conversations, and staying open to experimenting and adapting will guide you. Approaching relationships this way makes it more likely you’ll build connections that feel genuine, supportive, and uniquely yours.

How to Decide What Structure of Relationship Is Best forYou