Learning to Forgive Yourself After Hurting Someone You Love

Sometimes, we can have a hard time forgiving ourselves for the things we’ve done, for the people, the loved ones we’ve hurt, and the ones we hope to reconnect with, and that’s a completely human emotion, nothing out of the ordinary there – regret means that you’ve cared. The guilt shows up after the damage, sits silently for a while, and then begins to ask questions no one wants to answer out loud. It pokes at your memories during the night or right when you think you’re having a good day, and the worst part is – it usually arrives after the apology, not before. Learning to forgive yourself takes time. You’ll have to choose it again and again, even on days when it feels almost impossible. Let’s take a closer look!

Guilt Isn’t Always a Sign You’re Doing Something Wrong

Besides being the consequence of our actions, guilt also arises from awareness of what was said, what was left unsaid, and what can’t be unsaid. As outlined in an article on Psychology Today, most experts on the human psyche will tell you that guilt helps regulate behavior because it nudges us to reflect on whether we’ve lived up to our own standards and the ones set by our social circles. That’s its job – to protect us from becoming too selfish or too cruel, to make us consider other people. 

However, once guilt overstays its purpose, it stops being helpful and starts becoming a trap that feeds anxiety, shame, and self-isolation. It turns the mind into a courtroom with no exit strategy. Your goal is to learn from it without drowning yourself in it. 

Guilt is a basic human emotion, and it exists to guide us.

Learning to Forgive Yourself After Hurting Someone You Love

There’s no manual for hurting someone and then rebuilding the version of yourself that lets it happen or learning to forgive yourself, but it can help to try some of the advice below.

Stop Punching Yourself in the Heart

Anger is often the first reaction we have to ourselves after hurting someone we care about, not because we want to suffer, but because punishing ourselves feels like the best option out there. There’s this strange logic: if I feel awful enough, maybe I can undo what I did. 

But hiding the anger we carry toward ourselves doesn't help; in fact, it creates fertile ground for conditions such as depression or anxiety. The mental toll of suppressed anger is heavier than most of us realize – it clutters our thoughts, drains our energy, and turns self-reflection into self-destruction. All of these issues play supportive roles in the onset of the conditions mentioned above. Try to notice the anger, anxiety, and depression without turning them into your identity. You don’t need to be okay right now, but you also don’t need to keep wounding yourself again and again. 

Ownership Isn’t the Same Thing as Shame

Be honest. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean you should narrate your flaws with a megaphone for everyone to hear. It simply means speaking the truth to the people you’ve hurt and to yourself. Yes, I did that. Yes, I caused harm. Yes, I know better now. And that’s it – you don’t need to follow it with a thousand apologies or performative regret. You don’t need to write an emotional thesis about why you’ve failed. Sometimes, a plain sentence is enough. And here’s the truth: taking ownership actually gives you more power, not less – it lets you stop hiding, stop over-explaining, and start repairing.

Say Sorry, but Say It to Yourself Too

The apology isn’t always for them. Sometimes, it’s for you. Saying “I’m sorry” out loud to yourself might sound strange at first, but it creates space in the brain where shame used to live. Say sorry and mean it. The version of you who made the mistake wasn’t evil, it was just imperfect and probably overwhelmed or tired, or scared. You don’t need to worship that version of yourself, but you also don’t need to erase it. Let the apology be real, not theatrical. Don’t wait for forgiveness like it’s a paycheck you’ll get after you do enough emotional labor. Just mean it. That’s more than enough.

Sorry is something you’ll need to say to yourself, too.

You’re Not a Machine, You’re a System That Can Learn

The most human thing you can do after a mistake is use it. You don’t have to turn it into a life lesson that gets posted somewhere for validation, but it helps to ask questions like: What was going on with me that day? Why did I react that way? You probably won’t find the answers right away, but that’s okay – just stop ignoring the questions. Every mistake you live through gives you information. Use it.

You Can’t Forgive Yourself on an Empty Tank

You can't think clearly or forgive clearly when you’re running on fumes. You need to sleep, you need to eat, you need to go out and move your body a little. You need some kind of routine that doesn’t revolve around guilt. Self-care is boring sometimes, but it's how the body and mind reset; your self-worth can get back on track. Don’t dismiss it as indulgent or even selfish. Call it preparation or maintenance. You are responsible for yourself, and that includes being kind to yourself even when it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

The Subtle Rebuilding of a Person

There will come a day when the memory doesn’t sting as sharply. You’ll still remember what happened – you might always remember – but it won’t be the first thing that comes to mind when you think about yourself. That’s what learning to forgive yourself does. 

It’s fine if it takes much longer than you expected. And yes, it’s okay if you wake up some days and still feel like the worst person in the world. That doesn’t mean you haven’t made progress. You already did the hard part – you didn’t run away. You didn’t give up on yourself or your relationship with others.

Real forgiveness means saying you hurt someone, admitting it was wrong, wanting to do better, and then living in a way that shows you mean it. And guess what? You’re already doing it. You’re already on your way.