From Missionary to Missionary and Beyond in the Bedroom: How to Live an Erotically Liberated Life
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Show Notes
Guest Ayce Kyptyn is a sexological bodyworker with over a decade in the coaching industry. Ayce discusses his journey from a conservative upbringing to discovering his identity and becoming a sex coach. He also dives into the five Erotic Blueprints.
Ayce helps clients navigate their sexuality and pleasure. This episode is packed with insightful revelations on communication, consent, and the art of 'bondissage.' Whether you're seeking to deepen your connection or simply curious about transformative intimacy, you won't want to miss this! Tune in for a journey of love, self-discovery, and the secrets to a pleasure-filled life.
02:46 Ayce's Journey: From Conservative Upbringing to Self-Discovery
07:10 The Turning Point: Embracing Therapy and Identity
09:59 From Pain to Pleasure: Ayce's Transformation
18:57 Exploring Sexological Bodywork and Erotic Blueprints
25:59 Stacking and Primary Blueprints
26:48 Working with Multiple Partners
28:47 Compatibility as an Achievement
32:00 Exercises for Unconditional Love
37:28 Introduction to Bondissage
40:02 The Role of Aftercare in Kink
42:51 Personalized Coaching and Resources
Ayce has been in the coaching industry for over 10 years. He is certified in the Erotic Blueprints, Bondassage, and is a student of Sexological Bodywork. Their passion has been centered around somatic embodiment and living an erotically liberated lifestyle as a trans masculine individual.
Connect with Ayce Kyptyn
https://www.instagram.com/ayce_kyptyn
Connect with Paige Bond
Instagram: @paigebondcoaching
Facebook: @paigebondcoaching
TikTok: @paigebondcoaching
Website: https://paigebond.com
Paige Bond is an open relationship coach who specializes in helping individuals, couples, and intentionally non-monogamous relationships with feeling insecure in their relationships. She is also the founder of Sweet Love Counseling providing therapy in CO, FL, SC, and VT. Paige loves educating people about relationships through being the host of the Stubborn Love podcast, hosting workshops, and speaking at conferences.
Free Jealousy Workbook:
http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Free People Pleasing Workbook:
https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook
Attachment Dynamics Workshop:
https://www.paigebond.com/attachment-dynamics-workshop-sign-up
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling. Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
(generated by AI - please excuse errors)
[00:00:00] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Welcome to the Stubborn Love Podcast. I'm your host Paige Bond. I'm a Gottman and attachment trained, solution focused marriage and family therapist. I specialize in helping folks design and build their dream relationships through structured therapy and resources. And also use modalities that go beyond traditional talk therapy, like accelerated resolution therapy and psychedelic assisted psychotherapy.
School didn't teach us how to be good at love, so I created the Stubborn Love podcast to help you navigate it. Every episode has actionable tips that will help you create a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life with the people you love. Join me on this journey of love and learning for the stuff they didn't teach you in relationship school.
I hope you enjoyed this episode. Now let's get ready to rock and roll.
All right, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Stubbine Love. Today, we have Ayce joining us on the show. And I'm so excited because I think you randomly had, like, reached out to me on Instagram because we were kind of introduced by another person who's gonna be on the show.
And I was like, Oh my gosh! You're perfect to be on the podcast! Please be on it! So Ayce has actually been in the coaching industry working in sexological work for over a decade. So we are here today to talk about all things sex, all things around erotic blueprints. If you might have seen the popular goop episode on Netflix, there's a lot more to it than what they show you on Netflix, so we are going to get down and dirty and talk about just All the things.
So Ayce, thank you so much for being here. I'm so excited to learn more about you, your story, how you spread just more beauty, love, just everything in the world. So please introduce yourself and let listeners know who you are and we'll talk about your journey, how you got here.
[00:02:00] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah. Thank you for having me today.
I'm so excited to share my sex.
So I'll start off by sharing my tagline because that gives you a little bit of an idea of who I am. So my tagline is from missionary to missionary and beyond in the bedroom.
[00:02:18] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yes.
[00:02:19] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: I love
[00:02:20] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: it so much. So
[00:02:22] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: good. It's going to be juicy. It's going to be a good episode for your listeners for sure.
[00:02:27] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah. There's a story there.
[00:02:29] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: There is a very big story there. Would you like me to share? Yeah. Okay.
[00:02:33] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yes, please, please, please, please.
[00:02:36] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: A little anticipation, yes. We're edging
[00:02:39] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: our listeners right
[00:02:41] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: now. I mean, we just got to make it a little bit more juicy for them, right? Yes, yep. All right, so I grew up in a conservative Christian household, Republican, and so that gives you a little bit of an idea as to the type of people that I was engaging with as I grew up.
And so I had a very loving family. They were very And in a community like that, it is very hard for all of you to exist. And so at a very young age, I learned how to abandon myself and live out of other people's desires. So, uh, around the age of four, I think is when, uh, My family started realizing that I probably was trans, but they didn't necessarily know how to deal with it.
They didn't have the tools and resources back in 1990 to actually lean in. And so when I was at home, I could do boy things. I could go play out in the mud, go hunting, play sports. But then when I went out into public, I had to be more female presenting and. Play with the girls and wear dresses to church and things like that.
And so I vividly remember all the fights as a kid of just like, no, I don't want to do my hair. I want to cut it short. I don't want to wear makeup. That was getting, you know, as I got older, I don't want to wear makeup. I don't want to go on dates. I just wanted to hang out with the boys and go outside and have fun.
And I just really struggled. And so. I had a great atmosphere at home, I was able to do the things I wanted to do, my parents allowed me to be who I wanted to be at home, but then when I went out, I had to present differently, because we had an image to keep up with, uh, societally, right?
[00:04:28] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah, I was going to ask about that, for the image, was that just keeping up with the Joneses, and like, hey, we're Christian, we don't do that, or we're Yeah.
Okay. Exactly. Yeah. Got it.
[00:04:42] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: And so I learned at a really young age that whatever I wanted, needed, or desired was going to come secondary to whatever the world saw as normal. And so societal norms were very difficult for me. I learned how to engage in them and I learned how to really flourish in my life by submitting myself to those societal norms.
But what, really what ended up happening was it ended up almost killing me. So long story short, I went through high school presenting female. I went through college presenting female. I got a degree in theology. So I went to go work for the local church. And so I repressed all of the natural desires that I had so that I could be presentable in this world and step up the ladder.
And so it worked for me. I ended up becoming a missionary and I worked for world's largest international Christian organizations. for about 13 years. Um, I made it all the way from the bottom level to the extreme top. I was an executive leader traveling around the country in the room with multi millionaires.
I mean, my life was insane. I made it professionally, but what ended up happening was I held the pain in my body and I repressed all of those emotions and feelings and ended up having to have back surgery. I had back surgery, came back to work, and they decided to restructure, and I lost my job. After
[00:06:10] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: you climbed so high.
[00:06:12] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah. Oh my gosh. I had had three raises in a year, and then all of a sudden I lost my job, and I was like, oh shit, I just built a house. And I, this is the only community I know. And so I had been cleared from surgery. So I went on vacation with my family. We went to a really remote Island that doesn't have any transportation.
And so it's all horse and buddy buggy. And it's kind of cool on Mackinac Island. But I woke up one morning paralyzed and I went, shit, how am I going to get off the Island? There's no cars, there's no like transportation. So I took a ferry and then it ended up being like a three hour. Ambulance ride for emergency surgery and they decompressed my spinal cord and then I was fine.
So I was only paralyzed for like 72 hours, but it was a pretty dramatic event.
[00:06:58] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Well, yeah,
[00:06:59] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: and so through that my world basically completely collapsed. I lost my job. I lost my community. I lost my faith. All in the matter of a couple of days. And so, through that experience, I ended up on a therapist's couch.
A complete stranger. And I poured out my heart. And like
[00:07:20] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Had you ever gone to therapy for before? I had That was a new experience. I had
[00:07:23] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Just started after my very first surgery. So before I went paralyzed, I had just started therapy because I was starting to work through some of the questions that I had around my gender identity expression and orientation, but I hadn't fully worked through it.
And then when I lost my job, I was like, well, shit, here we go. It's a clean slate. I can restart my life. So I'm going to figure this out. And so, yeah, so it was my very first time, you know, at a therapist's office. And I had been working for, with her for about a month before I went paralyzed and had this whole traumatic experience.
So we had a little bit of a relationship, but basically she was a stranger. And I found myself sitting on her couch in tears, and she looked at me and she just was like, hon, you're not straight. And I was like, what are you talking about? I was like, I like men. I, it didn't like fully. Trying to convince
[00:08:08] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: them.
Yeah,
[00:08:09] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: yeah, yeah. She didn't fully, didn't fully land. She's like, honey, you're not straight. And I was like, oh fuck, I'm trans. This is not going to go well if I start processing this and I actually come out to my family and I want to do medical transition, being in such a conservative space, my whole world I thought fell apart, but it was really going to fall apart now.
And that's what happened. I ended up losing most of my friends. I had a handful of friends that stayed with me, but had a really difficult conversation with my family. They're, they're trying to accept it, but they're having a really hard time with it because They don't understand there's a fear there.
There's an ignorance there just because of their background and I can't fault them for that But it's been a really hard journey just with my family and my friends And so what I ended up doing was I came out to everybody and then I realized I wasn't in the best Community for me to actually thrive so I moved across country and now I live in, Colorado And I have a chosen family here.
And so my life has just skyrocketed in the last like seven months And I'm in a really healthy space.
[00:09:15] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: And so you, you have overcome so much. I mean, not only the mental stuff, but all of the physical, gosh, I can't even imagine. And having that experience of not even being able to move, like, I can't imagine the, The thoughts that were coming up in your head, there's so much.
And here you are, like you're, you're here, you're moving, you're, you're thriving. You said there's been so much just in the past seven months that has skyrocketed. So can you tell us a little bit, I mean, so you went from. missionary to missionary. So can you tell us a little bit more how you got involved more into this this work of sexology and things like that?
[00:09:58] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, yeah. So what had happened was I repressed all my sexual wants, needs, and desires. And I did that because I thought that I was bad, broken, and sinful. And a lot of that came from religion, but a lot of that also came from my community. And so I was living in that space of, I'm just feeling like I was broken and I watched sex, love, and goop.
And I went, wow, people can actually have that amount of pleasure in their, in their bodies and not feel bad about it. Not feel guilty, not have shame about it. Like I need that. It's. Yeah, so what I did was I, uh, reached out to Jaya's coaching network. So Jaya's like a big deal. She's like 250, 000 or more to work with, right?
And I don't have 250, 000 just laying there, but she has like 200 coaches underneath her. So I reached out to the network and I said, Hey, you know, is there someone that I could potentially connect with and hire a sex coach? And so I hired a sex coach and, uh, that started a very fun journey of learning not only, like, my gender and orientation, expression, identity, that kind of stuff, but also learning what it's like to live your life on a pleasure.
And so what I learned how to do was transmute the pain that I was in, uh, And into pleasure. And so the last few years, it's been that journey of I've had all of this pain. I know what it feels like to be in that space and how can I show up in this world in a different way, where I'm coming from a place that's filled with pleasure and joy and happiness.
And so. That's something that a lot of people realize when they meet me in person for the very first time is I show up very differently in public because I have a smile on my face and I'm super happy and it's a genuine like it's in my bones I feel this now and it's so different than the life I was living previously where I was just kind of slapping my body around it was just a way for me to get around right I didn't take care of my body I didn't really pay attention to it I wasn't in tune with You know, the sensations in my body or anything like that previously.
And now I'm very embodied. I can tell you exactly where I feel pleasure and I can tell you how to amp the pleasure up if we want to do that as well. So it's a totally different way to live life. And yeah, it just changed the way that I interact with the world.
[00:12:19] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: You know, when you talked about how you basically went from focusing on the pain to focusing on the pleasure, it made me think about, and I may have to like fact check myself after the podcast on this one, but if I'm not mistaken, I believe the neuroceptors of pain and pleasure live in the same area in the brain, right?
[00:12:40] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, I've heard that as well. Yeah. Yep, and you can train your body to, you can rewire your body, and how it responds to certain sensations, and then your mind can also reset. Like, for instance, I had top surgery, and so, my chest, when I came out of top surgery, I couldn't really feel, I had no nerve endings that were really alive and awake in my body.
Yeah. But over a few months of doing body work to it, and doing scar remediation, and like, rewiring those nerves. I have some sensation and eventually I'll have probably close to full sensation because your body is able to repair itself in such a magical way, right? And so that's, that's been a huge part of my journey is how do I transmute that pain into pleasure mentally, spiritually, physically, like there's so much that we can do in that space.
[00:13:34] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah, and I'm thinking about so many people. I mean, I'm sure you've run across this in your work, but my work too of like so many people who don't pay attention to their body sensations in particular. So a common question I ask in my work is where do you feel that in your body? And they're like, What do you mean?
What am I supposed to feel in my body? What do you mean where is it supposed to be? Can you kind of help educate listeners a little bit more about that concept when that comes up?
[00:14:05] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah. Yeah, so it's super funny, the first time I saw my therapist, she'd ask me that question and I was like, I have no clue what you're talking about.
Like, I was so numb and so disassociated from my body that I didn't even know how to find it. And so that was a process for me. I have a couple things to say about that. The way that I found it to begin with was by doing a little bit of sexological body working. And this is actually where my awakening happened.
Um, I walked into a room and I didn't know this person very well, we had only been talking for about a month, but I allowed myself to get really vulnerable and I laid on a massage table and she created a really safe environment for me. And so what ended up happening is we did some body work, we did some breath work.
And over the course of about three days, I was able to land in my body for probably the very first time and start feeling some sensations. And at the end of the three days, I was actually in a completely different state of mind because she had been doing such profound touch work and just deep presence in my body.
And then with my mind that it was like. So for me, it was like a very quick, like, I went from numb to like, oh wow, I'm in body now and I can feel, right?
[00:15:22] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah, I'm sure that's like such a jarring difference to go from nothing, everything.
[00:15:30] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, my life did a complete 180 after that experience because I was like, oh my gosh, like.
This is how it feels to be in a normal body, like, I, I didn't understand the full human experience because I was missing that piece of connecting to my body. I really was.
[00:15:45] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah.
[00:15:46] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: And so what I would say for listeners is you don't have to do something that drastic and go into an immersion. I mean, just simply slowing down, acknowledging your breath and just recognizing it.
You don't even have to change it. Just recognize your breath. Recognize your heartbeat. Can you attune to some of those things? And that's just the start of getting into your body. And you can take it much further, but through the erotic blueprints, I do something called pleasure first. And so that is another practice that I use on my clients.
Where you wake up in the morning or even as you know, you start a meeting or you start your day or whatever, you ask yourself, you know, in my body, what kind of pleasure would I like right now? And you kind of get inquisitive, you get a little bit curious and it could be something as simple as grabbing a piece of chocolate off your nightstand.
And enjoying chocolate on your taste buds, right? Or it could be something much more like a full on pleasure practice or whatever that might be, but what, what it does is it teaches us to every day, moment by moment, start getting into our bodies and just feeling what kind of sensations could be there.
And then maybe acknowledging them, and then if we want to change them, maybe changing them. If we want to stay in that state, we can stay in that state, but it's making that personal choice to, to find the pleasure in your body versus finding the pain. Because I think a lot of times what happens is, is you ask somebody, you know, go into your body and they're like, Oh, my low back hurts, or my knee hurts, or whatever.
You think about the pain point first, but if you can find pleasure, even just in your pinky. We can always magnify that just a little bit more. So if you have 1%. Maybe you can, you know, caress it to get it to 10%, and you know, you can keep growing it from there. So, it's learning how to acknowledge the sensations that are there, and then choosing to do something with them, if you would like.
[00:17:44] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: I love how You gave listeners, like, just a little something that they could do, like, that they don't have to go to that full immersion experience, three day, you know, thing, that they can just start with what you just said. Like, that's so powerful. As you were talking, I, I just thought, like, oh, this is mindfulness.
Like, duh, this makes sense. I get it now. Like, I wish we had more focus on just, you know, in grad school, they don't teach you anything about pleasure. We have, at least in the school I went to, we had one class on sexuality. One, only one semester to cover all the expansiveness that sexuality encompasses, and that is, one semester is not enough time.
I'm sure you can say that.
[00:18:29] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, especially when you look at our society and the sex education that we get. It is horrible, right? And then if you're going to try to serve your clients in this world and help them work through some really difficult things, one semester really isn't enough.
[00:18:45] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah. So one question I had though, because you did mention that there is touch work within like the immersion that you experienced.
Can you speak to a little bit more about that? Because, you know, in therapy, we can talk about these things, but Going into, like, this more physical embodiment is, it sounds like you did, like, years of therapy, basically, in just, like, a few days with your amazing body worker, so can you explain what that experience entailed?
[00:19:17] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, so, I mean, there's multiple different modalities out there. The modality that I personally chose was sexological body work. And so that was dealing with all of my body. You know, a lot of times you'll go to a massage and they'll give you a massage, but they'll just touch certain areas. Obviously, there's private areas that they cannot touch legally and they.
Can't touch ethically as well, right? Because they're certified in something, right? And so, uh, sexological bodywork is not legal all over. And so, states like California, it is legal in the United States. Canada, it's legal. There's a lot of places in Europe that it's totally legal. And then there's places where it's gray areas, where it's like, Ah, a lot of people do this, but it may or may not be legal, depending on what you choose to do.
And so, uh, when I went to go see my provider, she has been trained in this. She has a certification in this. There's an ethics board, all of, you know, it's all above reproach, but she has the ability to lean into all of my body. So all of me can exist in this space. And for me, being so repressed in my sexuality, I didn't really explore.
I didn't know what felt good to my body. And so, you know, she could touch my knee, and I was like, Oh, I didn't know I had a pleasure zone on my knee. That's kind of cool, right? And so it was just an exploration for three days of like, What feels good in my body? Do I like energetic touch? Do I like sensual touch?
Do I like sexual touch? Do I like kinky touch? Do I like it all? Do I want more? That's what the three day immersion was all about was figuring out in my body What's good to me because what's good to me might not be good to the next person, right? But it was allowing all of me to exist. No judgment. No shame.
It was just whatever arises It's totally great and we're going to accept it and we're going to be present with whatever that is. And that was so transformational for me because I had been hiding those desires for so long. And that's the reason why I went into the field that I'm in today is because I was like, wow, everybody needs to experience this.
[00:21:22] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yes. So it's too good. You couldn't pass up. We had to spread the word. A different word. I don't know how we got to that. What a what a callback. So can you say a little bit more about the work that you do? Um, and I heard you already talking about the different kind of erotic blueprint. So I want us to talk about that too.
So what does your work entail? Like, how do you help people?
[00:21:52] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, so I work out of a few different modalities. One is sexological body work. I'm a student in that, so I'm not technically certified, but I have enough training that I'm allowed to do some teaching and some touch practices with people, and I'm really just getting the experience.
And so when I have clients come to me that want that, I full out say, Hey, I'm still learning in this. Like you're a practice client. Right. And these are the constraints that I can work in. But then I also work with someone. I partner with someone who has been doing this for like over 10 years and is considered one of the top experts in the United States, probably.
And so if a client comes to me and they say, Hey, I want sexological body work. We figure out what that container looks like. And then usually with my mentor. They have a session in which they can go into that immersion and actually get that full on touch and be held in such a safe, grounding presence that I don't know if you can experience anywhere else, to be most honest.
So that is one thing that I provide to clients. The other thing I do is erotic blueprints, which I talked about a little bit. That is a non touch container, so I don't touch my clients. Um, it's actually mostly online through Zoom appointments. We go through, um, eight or nine modules together. And basically it goes through what you would have wished your sex ed would have been back in the day.
That would have been super helpful. And that you might not have gotten. But it also gives you a language in which to be able to communicate with your partner. Your wants, needs, and desires, and how to get those met.
[00:23:21] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: That is so powerful.
[00:23:24] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Right?
[00:23:25] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah. It is. It is.
[00:23:26] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: So if you've heard of, um, the love languages, it's kind of similar to that, but this is totally in a new, like, amped up version of it, right?
Because it's sexuality. Yeah. And so there's five different types. I mentioned them before, but I'll, uh, read them off again. It's energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter. And so what you do is you take a quiz. Uh, there's a free quiz where you get one primary blueprint type and it kind of gives you the basics.
And then there's like a paid quiz, I think it's like 17 or 20, um, that gives you all of the, the five blueprint types, what they all look like and how they can relate with your lover, which is kind of fun. And then once you know your blueprint type, we go into the modules and we start training you and what does it look like for you first off in living out of that blueprint.
So for me, I'm an energetic kinky and that changed my mindset and actually gave me real clarity because I always found myself as being super awkward in group environments. And the reason behind it was I wasn't comfortable. There was too much energy in the room and my body didn't know how to respond to it.
So I just shut down. I'd be quiet. I'd sit in the corner. And so once I learned the energetic, And I was like, Oh, I know how to engage with people in a way that's like good for me and good for them. It changed the way that I show up in the stuff. It's really fun. I'm not going to get into too much depth there, but so the energetic and then i'm also kinky.
So I like anything that's taboo, but I need to have my energetic met before I can turn kinky. So I have to feel safe. I have to like understand my place. And really understand how I'm going to engage with people before I can jump into the taboo and get a little bit more curious and risky.
[00:25:17] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah. Now, are there times, so I imagine that there's plenty of people out there who might have like a combination of some.
Yes. Are there Is it kind of like a, if this, then that, or could some people, let's say it's not energetic and kinky. Let's say it's like sensual and okay. Sensual and sexual. Now, if those were, they're like two main ones, can they shift into having one or the other? Or do they have to have like one met to get to the other?
Like, I know it's different how you need energetic to get to kinky. Yeah.
[00:25:57] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah. Is it like
[00:25:58] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: that for everyone?
[00:25:59] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, so, uh, yes and no. So, this is basically just a framework, so it can be different for everybody at any point in time. So, it's really being in tune with yourself and what you want, need, and desire in the moment.
But what I would say is they call, they have something called stacking. And basically that means that you have a primary blueprint, and then you have a secondary, and then a third, fourth, fifth, right? And so, in order to get your needs met, you probably have to have your primary start out. Which for me would be energetic, and then I can move into kinky, and then I can move into sexual, and then I can move into sensual, and then I can move into shapeshifter.
That's my stack. So what happens is when you get the quiz results, it will give you a percentage, and that will tell you exactly which ones are more primary and which ones are, you know, further down the line.
[00:26:44] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Hmm. Okay. All right. So that makes sense. I have a question. Are, are you able to do this work with more than one person at a time?
[00:26:52] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah. Mm
[00:26:53] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: hmm.
[00:26:54] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah.
[00:26:55] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Say more about that and what that looks like, like, how would you work with a couple? How would you work with a polycule who's exploring their sexuality?
[00:27:04] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: I mean, you can do this in groups of 50 if you wanted to. I mean, it's totally I mean, it'd be wild, it'd be pretty intricate, it'd be like a ball of yarn with all the pieces going in every direction.
But yeah, I mean, it's really however many people are involved in the relationship. What this does is it gives you a common terminology to use with each other. And so, I think a lot of times what happens in the English language is, I'll say a word, and I think it means this. And you'll say a word and you think it means that.
And then there's a conflict because we're talking about the same thing, we want the same thing, but we're not understanding that we're saying the same thing, right? And so with erotic blueprints, it really does say, you know, give you a word and you all have the same understanding of what that word may be.
Like, for instance, kinky. A lot of people have a lot of different interpretations of what kinky may be, but we clearly define it as that's anything that's taboo for you, right?
[00:28:03] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: So it's personalized.
[00:28:04] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: So it's personalized, exactly. And then you can start having conversations from that space. And so we have a whole lot of terminology that, like, as you get into the blueprints, you start to understand, and then you can start talking with your partners, and you're using the same words that mean the same thing.
Or you can ask for clarity and say, This is what I heard. Is that what you meant? And so it's teaching you how to communicate with your lover in such a way that you're on the same team, and you're not necessarily incompatible. I think incompatibility is actually a myth. It's just that we don't understand how to connect to the other person because we haven't dove in and had those inquiries about what we're really talking about engaging with.
[00:28:46] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: I totally agree. Now that you said it, I also want to know where you come from on that perspective, because I agree with you about compatibility. It's like I, years ago, listened to a podcast where they use the phrase compatibility is an achievement. You can work towards compatibility. So I'm curious what your perspective is on that and how you view compatibility.
[00:29:11] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: That is a very complex question.
[00:29:15] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: I know. Do we have enough time for that?
[00:29:18] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah. Yeah. So I think a lot of times we get caught up in I want my needs met and I don't necessarily want to meet your needs. And we're not seeing the entirety of the person in front of us. We're not having unconditional love for the person in front of us.
And so when we, when we can look at the person in front of it and say, all of you can exist, we're going to work through this. We're going to have conversation. We're going to have communication about this. We're going to talk about the really hard things. We're going to go there. That changes the game. And I think, honestly, like, you can probably learn to be compatible with almost anybody.
If you're willing to go the depth that you need to go with that person.
[00:30:02] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Right. It's how flexible are you?
[00:30:05] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Mm hmm. How willing are you? How much skin in the game do you have? Are you willing to, you know, go the lengths that you need to go in order to figure this out? And do you want to? There's a, there's also a beauty in finding out, like, I don't want to go that direction with someone.
And establishing the know and having a spine and having a, a centered, grounded perspective of this is what's right for me. And so in some situations, it's not that you're not incompatible, you're just choosing not to go that direction because it's not good for you. And there's a self agency in that that I think is incredibly important to realize that, like, my needs matter.
And if you can't see me, you can't, you know, unconditionally love me. I'm going to stand up for myself, and I'm going to see the door and walk out. Yeah.
[00:30:55] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Man, I wish more people were having conversations like these, one, talking about, like, does your definition match up what I think this definition is? If not, let's get on the same team and try to understand each other.
But also, like, this. Beautiful exploration that you describe of like, just coming into yourself, finding what you do want, being able to communicate that to others, I mean, this is, this is so like, you're, you're not a therapist, but this is very therapeutic. Like, this is so healing for people. I freaking love this.
[00:31:28] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah. Well, and this is, this is where you find the true intimacy piece, right? Understanding unconditional love for yourself. That's unconditional love for you, from you. And when you live out of that space, being able to find unconditional love for someone else then is possible. But if you're not in that space to begin with, you're probably going to struggle for a long period of time and may never find it.
[00:31:53] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Now I have so many more questions for you.
[00:31:58] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Well, I don't know if I'm an expert in this field.
[00:32:00] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Well, it's just so interesting because, like, now you have me thinking, like, is there, like, outside of the work that you've already discussed that you do, like, are there certain maybe exercises that you help people go through to, like, get to that place of unconditional love?
[00:32:18] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, so in the erotic blueprints, like I mentioned before, there's eight or nine modules, and in that we do a deep dive. And so, in each module, there's things for you to do on your own for yourself, that you can center and ground and be in integrity with what your wants, needs, and desires are. And then there's exercises to do with a potential partner, or maybe even a friend.
If you're single, you can go through the erotic blueprints. And do some of the experiments with a friend, and it's totally safe. I had a period of time when I was going through the program by myself when I was single. And I either found dating partners or, like, first time dates I did some of How awesome!
Like, it's super fun, it's super juicy, and you can kind of choose how deep you want to play. But yeah, it's finding out what your wants, needs, and desires are, and then also learning what they may be for the other person that's across the table from you, and how do they intersect, and how can we meet each other there and really play in that space that's safe.
But also fun and curious and
[00:33:17] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: yeah, it's just
[00:33:17] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: really good.
[00:33:18] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: I gotta say, I mean, were you nervous trying those out on like the first days? That's really amazing of
[00:33:25] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: you. It was very intentional. There were certain ones where I was like, oh, I can do this on a first date, right? And there are others that's like, Okay.
That's going to be solo practice, but the cool thing is like through the entire program, they give you the option. You can do this by yourself or you can do this with a partner. This is what it looks like. If you do it by yourself, this is what it looks like when you do it with a partner. So for me, I just wanted to experience it all.
So I was trying to find people to play with. And a lot of it is super fun. You can play with someone else, like figuring out energetic touch. You can do that with yourself just by hovering your hands over each other and trying to find where that warmth is. Right. Or you could do it with someone else and you can say, Hey, give me your arm and let me see if you can close your eyes and see if you can feel the heat coming off my hand.
Right? And so it's little simple exercises like that, that you can do with someone that you just met. And it's not awkward.
[00:34:18] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: So cool. I still, I got to hand it to you. That's so brave to, cause you know, a lot of people, especially these days, they're not ready for something. to, to dive into like that. People don't even talk about what they're looking for on First Dates, so for you to get to that place, I mean, I just, I admire that.
[00:34:37] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Who does Well, one of my favorite, one of my favorite questions is to ask somebody that I'm, that I just recently met or might, you know, want to do something with, where on your body would you like me to touch you? And a lot of times they have no answer. They're like, I don't know. Nobody's ever asked me that before.
And it's like, it doesn't have to be sexual touch. Like, would you like me to put my hand on your shoulder and give you a back massage? Would you like me to put my hand in your hair? And like, it doesn't have to be sexual. It can be sexual. But like, what would you like right now? And it's just like mind blowing for people on a first or second date or, you know, later on even in a date to, to go there.
We don't ask those questions because we're not in our bodies and we're not attuned to what we really do want.
[00:35:19] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: And, you know, I don't know if this is like, maybe my own kink, but I think I have a consent kink, where I love being asked consent, and so I think that is so much sexier to ask consent, of like, where would you like to be touched, or, you know, like that, it's so intentional, it's so direct.
[00:35:39] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, so where would you like to be touched, and how would you like to be touched? Are two mind blowing questions to ask because yeah, I could say I would like to be touching my shoulder But if I don't tell you how well, is he gonna pinch me? Is he gonna hit me? What's he gonna do or is he gonna caress me, right?
And so if you ask that question, you can get exactly what you want I'd like you to touch my shoulder and i'd like you to gently rub it, you know for 30 seconds. Okay, cool I can do that right instead of assuming that somebody wants this because I may want it and I don't know if they do Right? That's the culture we live in right now.
It's like, oh, I'm going to give this person a kiss. I don't know if they want it, but if you could ask those two questions, you'd have a really good idea of how that person may or may not want to be kissed. Maybe they want a full on French kiss and you were just going to give them a peck on the cheek.
Right?
[00:36:29] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah. Again, like, even the, the word kiss. What does it mean to you? What does it mean to you? Are we on the same page? Probably not.
[00:36:40] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Exactly.
[00:36:41] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Time out for a moment. Are you in a pattern of catching yourself saying yes when you really meant no? Or bending over backward to just keep the peace? Are you tired of putting everyone else's needs above your own and feeling drained in the process?
I've created a free, people pleasing workbook designed to help you uncover The root causes of your people pleasing patterns and start prioritizing your well being. You'll get actionable steps to help you set healthy boundaries and tap into your authentic voice. Ready to stop people pleasing and start living for you?
Download your copy now at pagebond. com Or check out the link in the show notes. Now let's get back to the episode.
Now, I know there's also something that we haven't talked about yet, and I want to make sure that we do, because I've never heard about this, and I want to learn more about it. So, you're also trained in something called bondissage? Correct. Am I saying it right?
[00:37:43] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Okay. Yes. What
[00:37:44] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: is it? Give us a lowdown. It is
[00:37:46] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: phenomenal.
So it's basically kinky massage. That's like the easiest way to say it. Yeah. So if somebody has never delved into kink before, this is a really safe way to do so. Basically what happens is I'm a certified practitioner in this and so people will come to my space. And, uh, we'll set up a container about what does it look like to, what would you like me to touch, what don't you want me to touch, what kind of pleasure do you want to experience, what are your boundaries, you know, consent boundary, kind of basic conversations, and then I asked them if they would like to be domed, and so I would be the dom and they would be the sub.
They may or may not like that, so I ask, right? And a lot of times they're like, yes, I want to, I want to be the sub. I want to learn what this is. And so then I'll go through kind of a ritual of how someone should appropriately dom you. And what does that look like? Because I think a lot of times people will say that they're a dom or they're a sub, but they don't really fully understand either.
And they don't have the common, I don't know, courtesy to, to actually gain clarity about that. And so, I create a really safe environment for someone to get their wants, needs, and desires met in a very kinky way and through a massage. It's super pleasurable, it's super fun, and so that's part of what I offer to people, and that's, that's in person touch.
[00:39:08] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah, okay. Now, is that, cause I'm, other types of massages, usually standard is like an hour or so. Is this for an extended period of time, like longer than that, since there's so much to go into? So
[00:39:21] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: they're usually, yeah, it's usually at least 90 minutes. If that two hours or more, it really depends on the client's needs.
And like, also like how traverse they are in this. I mean, there are some people that come to me that are like really into kink and they fully understand and fully know it. And we can do a full on kink scene if we want to through bondicide, which is super fun. So it really depends on the client's needs and their desires and how long they want the container to be for someone who's brand new and coming to it.
You know, 90 minutes is usually a pretty good, good space so that they can drop into subs space. And really experience what it's like to land in their body and really feel the different sensations that are happening.
[00:40:02] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Now I'm going to guess that also like during the, the part where you're kind of just mainly doing the talking beforehand, this kind of helps prepare people for what they want in their aftercare, after the massage or after a seat or something.
Yeah. Okay, can you talk a little bit about, for our listeners, maybe who are a little bit more vanilla, or getting into kink, what aftercare is, why it's important, things like that.
[00:40:30] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah, so what happens is, you drop into subspace. And your state of mind changes in that. And so before we go into subspace, we clearly talk about your consent and boundaries.
And when you say that something is a yes, that can always turn into a no at any point in time when you're on the table or in the scene with me. If you say something's a no and we're doing something, you're like, Oh, but I really want to try that now. The answer is still going to be no. And maybe next time we can try that.
But the reason behind that is When you're in that state of mind, you don't always have clarity and you're, you might regret something later. And so we don't allow people to change their, their nose into a yes. And also, if you say something's a maybe that's also going to be a no, I'm not going to do that to you as a provider because you don't have a full fuck yes.
Consent that I really want to try it. So what happens is you'll go through the experience and you might've said yes to something. And you might have endured it and my caution would be, don't endure anything, always say no, stop, red, you know, yellow, whatever it might be, but sometimes those things happen.
And so, after a scene, what will happen is we'll close the container and then we'll take care of you according to whatever we had predetermined in our initial conversation, but then also, We'll ask those questions of, is there any, you know, repair that might need to be happen? Are there any desires that you wish you would have shared with me?
And just making sure that patient or the client is really well taken care of, so that they're not leaving the space in an altered state of mind and they're going out into the world, but they really feel grounded and present from the experience and that they're Able to, you know, go about the world in a way that would be healthy for them.
[00:42:20] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Ah, you're right. I wish more people knew about you and your message and everything that you're trying to teach around the world. There'd be a lot
[00:42:30] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: less pain.
[00:42:31] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Seriously. And the world is painful enough.
[00:42:35] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: It's so true. It's so true.
[00:42:37] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: So we do have to start winding down, but I'm hoping that you might want to come back for another episode.
Cause we still have so much more to talk about.
[00:42:47] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Absolutely. Yeah.
[00:42:48] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Okay, cool. I'm glad about that. With that being said, can you let listeners know like what you got going on right now? Like what's exciting for you and where they can find you.
[00:43:00] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah. So, the cool thing about me, if you hire me as a coach, is I'm a collaborator.
So I don't see myself as the expert that knows everything and that can help you work through everything. I firmly believe in finding the right team for you. And so for me and my journey, I had to find four professionals to help walk me through this so that I could do this in a really healthy way. And what I've done is I've collaborated with like 250 people throughout the United States.
And so if you come to me and you share your story and you say, Oh, I want to work on this, this and this, and this is my number one priority. I'll look at my rolodex of people and I'll say, okay, let's work together you and me and I will take the lead and I'll make sure that I resource you and connect you to the people you need to be resourced with.
And so I work with a couple different therapists. I work with a ton of sexological body workers, but then also people in other genders and orientations and expressions and experiences in life, to be most honest. And so what I do is I help you create a team of people that are going to come around you and support you through this journey.
So, you can hire me and I'm just your one and only, and that's totally fine. But I would suggest that you potentially hire a therapist as well, and that we can collaborate together so that we can do some of the deeper healing work to actually move you forward in a way that's really healthy, and you feel like you just are really well supported and resourced.
[00:44:26] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yes, yes. That's, uh, really amazing to hear because One person can't do it all, right? There's going to always be something that someone else will, will know that, that either you're not trained in, you're not interested in to, to help with, and like, why not spread the love? Get, get all of it done in one shot.
So I love that. What's your website? Instagram? I know you're active on Instagram. I love it. I love all the stuff you post. So can you tell listeners about that? Where to find you?
[00:44:57] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Yeah. So my Instagram is Ayce Kyptyn and my Facebook is that as well. And then I also do the trans sex coach. So that's a secondary account.
I don't post on that one quite as frequently, but I do post there as well. And then you can find me at AyceKyptyn.Com. And the best thing I can say is. If you are curious about this in any sort of way, take a look at my website, it's really basic. We can do a Zoom meeting and you can share a little bit about your story and then I can share exactly how I can resource you.
I just did that with a client right before this call. They called me and they said, I have all these things! And I'm like, okay, let's have a conversation. She shared her story. I was like, Oh yeah, I absolutely have resources for this, this, this and this. Right. And so we created a coaching package specifically for her and her needs.
And I think that's what sets me apart from a lot of other coaches is that I want to hear your story where you were previously, where you are now and where you want to go, and then I'll set that container for you so that you are really well supported and held through the experience.
[00:45:57] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Yeah, and it sounds like it's really personalized, like you customize it based on what work they want to do and how they want to feel.
[00:46:06] Ayce Kyptyn, Somatic Sexologist: Absolutely, yeah, because everybody's journey is, is different. And so I don't want to just create something and say, hey, this is what all my clients are going to go through. You can do this. 10 week course and whatever. I think a lot of times what happens is people buy a course and they never use it. And I don't want to do that.
I hate wasting resources. Yes. Everybody's guilty. I really want to provide something for my clients that is going to be groundbreaking and set the foundation for something really solid for the rest of their lives so that they can have pleasure. A pleasure filled life, and that's really my desire. It's happened for me, and so I want to make that happen for everybody else.
[00:46:43] Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: I love it so much. I will make sure to have all of your information in the show notes so people can go find your work, can go book a consult on your website, whatever they may want to do. Thank you so much for taking the time to record with me today. All right, listeners, catch you on the next one.
And that's a wrap for today's episode of Stubborn Love.
I hope you gathered some wisdom to bring into your love life and improve your relationships. If you enjoyed today's chat, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. That'll help this episode reach even more listeners. If you have any questions or stories you would like me to cover in the future episodes, drop me a message.
I love hearing from you. If you need extra support in your relationships, Check out how we might be able to work together by popping on my website at paigebond.com. Until next time, don't let being stubborn keep you from secure love. Catch you in the next episode.
