Best Couples Workshops: EFT and Hold Me Tight for Relationship Growth
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Show Notes
Learn about the transformative power of Hold Me Tight Workshops based on Sue Johnson's work and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) from licensed counselor and couples therapist, Mark Beck. Mark dives into attachment science in nurturing healthy relationships and addressing conflict.
04:12 The Power of Couples Workshops
07:48 Understanding Attachment Science and EFT
11:07 The Impact of Safe Connections in Relationships and Navigating Relationship Conflicts
14:14 The Hold Me Tight Workshops: A Deeper Dive
17:21 Experiential Learning in Couples Workshops
24:09 Therapy vs. Workshops
31:14 Transformative Conversations
37:40 Boosting Therapy with Workshops
Mark Beck has been a licensed counselor since 2001 and is also an ordained Protestant minister. Mark’s private practice is based in Inverness, FL and his passion lies in working with couples. He also co-facilitate couples weekend workshops four times a year in Orlando with his colleague and fellow counselor, Vicki Kennedy.
Connect with Mark Beck
HMT workshops: www.couplesworkshopsofflorida.com
Connect with Paige Bond
Instagram: @stubbornlovepaige
Facebook: @paigebondcoaching
TikTok: @paigebondcoaching
Website: https://paigebond.com
Paige Bond is an open relationship coach who specializes in helping individuals, couples, and intentionally non-monogamous relationships with feeling insecure in their relationships. She is also the founder of Sweet Love Counseling providing therapy in CO, FL, SC, and VT. Paige loves educating people about relationships through being the host of the Stubborn Love podcast, hosting workshops, and speaking at conferences.
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Free People Pleasing Workbook:
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Attachment Dynamics Workshop:
https://www.paigebond.com/attachment-dynamics-workshop-sign-up
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
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Transcript
(generated by AI - please excuse errors)
[00:00:00] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: Welcome to the Stubborn Love Podcast. I'm your host Paige Bond. I'm a Gottman and attachment trained, solution focused marriage and family therapist. I specialize in helping folks design and build their dream relationships through structured therapy and resources. And also use modalities that go beyond traditional talk therapy, like accelerated resolution therapy and psychedelic assisted psychotherapy.
School didn't teach us how to be good at love, so I created the Stubborn Love podcast to help you navigate it. Every episode has actionable tips that will help you create a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life with the people you love. Join me on this journey of love and learning for the stuff they didn't teach you in relationship school.
I hope you enjoy this episode. Now let's get ready to rock and roll. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Stubborn Love. I'm so excited because here we have Mark today, who is a licensed counselor and specializes in couples work. And we're going to be talking about a workshop that he puts on with another counselor that helps couples get really, really amazing transformative results in their relationship in a small amount of time, like as little as two days.
So I am going to let him do all the talking about what that is and everything about that. But before we do, Mark, can you introduce yourself to listeners? Tell them a little bit about your story as to how you, kind of wove into getting to this point in your career.
[00:01:40] Mark Beck, LMHC: That's a good question, because I'm not sure how I got here myself, but I appreciate the invitation to be with you today, and as Paige said, my name is Mark Beck, and I am a licensed mental health counselor in Florida, I also happen to be licensed in Virginia.
As well, and I do help lead couples workshops, with a colleague, Vicki Kennedy, who is a licensed mental health counselor in the Orlando area, we met a few years ago doing some professional training. And in about 2018, we teamed up and started doing these workshops. My personal background is two fold. I was actually a pastor for about 15 years, most of that time in Virginia.
And I did a lot of counseling as a pastor. And I learned two things. I learned that I really enjoyed it. And I learned that I knew just enough to be dangerous, and I either needed to quit doing it or figure out how to do it right. So, I resigned from full time ministry and went back to school. I got another degree in counseling, and I was licensed to Virginia in, 2001.
I worked in Virginia in a local hospital emergency room setting, doing emergency psychiatric assessment. It was a fascinating job. I did that for 17 years. And during that time I got licensed and, had a part time private counseling practice. And that lasted until 2015 when the hospital closed our department and invited us all to find new careers.
And that's when I went into full time private practice and when I started working exclusively with couples. A lot of therapists won't work with couples, but I really find a passion for that. And I have been doing that since 2015. In 2017, my wife and I moved to Florida. My father is, 93 years old this November, and we, wanted to be closer to him.
And so I, got licensed in Florida, and I've been seeing couples almost exclusively since then. In a little town. About an hour north of Orlando called Inverness. You don't just drop by Inverness, you have to be going to Inverness. It's sort of like Mayberry. And, but it's a beautiful little town. And that's where I work, with couples.
And as I said, I was doing some training in Orlando. I met Vicki back in 2016. And we started, doing these workshops together. And I have to say, I, I love working with couples. But the, the funnest and most energizing thing I get to do are these couples workshops that we do on average about four times a year.
So we've been doing this coming up on, on six years now, we've done upwards of 20 of these workshops and everyone is different, but they all are amazingly powerful. We've, I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but we've seen miracles happen. Yeah. So it's the best thing that, that I've ever been a part of. I learn more than I teach.
When we do these workshops and, couples, consistently amaze and inspire us. And so, I want to, all the time, to spread the word and let people hear the opportunity to do some amazing things in the span of just two days with these workshops and we can talk about more of that as we go along today.
[00:05:01] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: Yes, we're about to dive into it. But before that, I have so many questions. You know, you said most counselors don't like to work with couples, and I find that too, that a lot of people, sometimes it's hard to find a couples counselor, and I'm curious, what was it that drew you to working with couples?
[00:05:19] Mark Beck, LMHC: Well, in all honesty, I hope it's not justice.
But I am a wounded healer. I have been married before. I was married for, for 20 years, and, that marriage ended in divorce. And, it was the most painful thing that I ever went through. But I have since then remarried, and I really drew the long straw. And so I know what it feels like to be in a marriage that is really desperate and is struggling.
But I also know what it feels like to know that I married my best friend. And that it's the best part of my life. And so I've worked very hard to understand both sides of that. And I don't know, so I don't think I'm trying to do my work. By helping other couples, but I also have always believed that professionally speaking, I think it's always best to do the hard thing and to sort of run toward the gunfire.
And couples therapy is a different animal. It's a different type of work. I'm not minimizing individual therapy by any means, but it is true. A lot of, therapists just prefer not to do it. And I don't think that the fact that I see couples almost exclusively in my practice, I don't think that makes me better than other therapists, but it makes me the best at couples therapy that I can be, because I'm really not trying to master four or five different types of work.
I, I really focus. Almost exclusively on, on couples and it energizes me. It's a passion and I have had the privilege of seeing couples change their lives. And it's a blessing that can be handed down from generation to generation. So I just am drawn to it and it's a real privilege. It feels like, you know.
It feels like holy ground when you have a chance to watch couples decide they're going to change their relationship.
[00:07:12] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: Yeah, it's so beautiful, and I share all those same sentiments. It's almost like reverse envy, like I want others to experience. What I get to experience and that, like knowing that this kind of love is possible, that they can have such a secure relationship.
You know, you said something that I found interesting, that the workshops that you do are different than the type of couples therapy that you do. I'm curious, what is it about the workshops that get you energized and how that's so much fun for you? That's different than couples therapy.
[00:07:47] Mark Beck, LMHC: Sure. Sure. So let me give you a little bit of background of what these workshops are, because.
As anybody that has, explored this area, you know, there are a thousand and one different types of couples workshops out there, and you can go in any, throw a rock in any direction and hit five different couples programs and so forth. Vicki, Kennedy, and I, we've teamed up to start an enterprise we call Couples Workshops of Florida, and we do these workshops.
These workshops have a name we did not. Developed the workshop ourselves. The workshops are called Hold Me Tight Workshops. And they are based on the work of the late Sue Johnson, who not only formulated the Hold Me Tight Workshop, but wrote the book by the same name, which is written for couples. If I had only one book to recommend to couples, that's the one I would recommend.
And these Hold Me Tight Workshops are based in solid longitudinal research, attachment science, and research. And, based on the tenets of a model of therapy called Emotionally Focused Therapy, which Sue Johnson also devised. And so, this is a specific type of workshop that we do, and it's based, as I said, in Attachment Science and the, the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT.
The reason that we do these workshops, we do the Hold Me Tight workshops and the EFT model. It's because both Vicky and I have just drunk the Kool Aid on EFT, what it's about. It's different from most other types of couples therapy. When I say that it's based in attachment science, it really is focused on what I believe are the things that really make relationships live and breathe where relationships truly do thrive and heal.
Attachment science basically says that All human beings, not just people in relationships, but all human beings are bonding creatures. We were born to bond. And that is, well, I can tell you what we know colloquially. You know, any infant is born innately needing. To attach with a caregiver, a one or a key few people who will nurture and protect and embrace and affirm and all of those things.
We know that any infant that doesn't get that kind of bonding won't develop normally and in fact can't survive. Okay, so we know that human infants need more protection and they need it longer than any other mammals. Well, attachment science over the years has taught us something really fascinating, and that is we never outgrow the need for that safe connection, that bonding.
As we become adults, the need evolves, but we are all At our best, when we are connected with someone or some key few who we know will be there for us, who will, protect us, embrace us, affirm us, respect us, trust us, those kinds of things. And in intimate relationships, of course, that is our significant other or our spouse.
What we know, and what EFT teaches us, is that every couple It's constantly asking one question. We may not even know we're asking it, but we ask it a thousand times a day. We don't ever use these specific words, but the question for all the marbles in any intimate relationship is Are you there for me?
Right? Can I count on you? If I, if I call, will you come? Do I know you got my back? Do you believe in me? Will you never leave me alone? And I don't mean physically alone, but are you there for me? Okay? And when the answer to that is yes, when we feel like we've got a partner who's got our back and is going to be there for us and in all those ways that I just said, that's how attachment science defines love.
And falling in love and what we know is that when we're in a connected relationship that way, we thrive emotionally and every other way. Countless studies have shown that when we're in a key relationship that feels safe and we feel emotionally bonded with that person, we are stronger. We're more resilient.
Our immunity and resistance to disease is better. We cope better. We live longer. In just about every way that you can define well being, we do better when we're in a safely connected relationship. The problem is that the answer to that question, are you there for me, can never always be yes, because no relationship is perfect.
And there will be times in your relationship where you are asking that question, are you there for me? And the answer that comes back is I don't know. Or maybe. Or I thought so. Or God forbid the answer comes back, absolutely not. And when that happens, that is a problem. Okay? Remember the infant who does not have that protective person, that caring, present person, can't survive.
And so there's something in our survival brain that tells us if that relationship is struggling, if the bond is, is breaking or broken, that is an existentially life threatening situation. It's a dangerous situation. And so it's traumatic for us. In fact, your brain codes it as physical pain. So when we say, you hurt me, we're speaking more truth than we realize.
And so, EFT and the Hold Me Tight model helps couples begin to look at their relationship through an attachment lens and helps them begin to make sense of things that often don't make sense. The Hold Me Tight model is really more than anything else about helping couples understand what to do, if and when the answer to that question, are you there for me, isn't a solid yes.
How do we deal with the distress of disconnection? It's about helping us manage what is inevitable in any relationship, and that's what we call conflict. That's what conflict is. It's where that bond is, is stretched, is breaking, is, is broken. It's traumatic for us, and all of us have ways of trying to manage that, trying to make it better or less bad.
The problem is that much of the time it's a good intentions but bad results kind of process. And so we get into these patterns, these what we call cycles of disconnection and what we try to make it better somehow ends up making it worse. In these Hold Me Tight workshops, we help couples begin to make sense of that.
We help couples slow down and understand what's really going on because it's not about the money. Or, sex, or religion, or children, or in laws, or all those other things, the content that couples get wrapped around the axle dealing with. There's deeper stuff going on. We help couples begin to look at their relationship through an attachment lens.
We help couples slow down. and begin to recognize their partner is not their enemy. And in fact, you both want and need the same things. It's just that until we slow down and understand what those things are, we are just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. We're just trying new ways to negotiate and fight fair and all that stuff.
And that's what a lot of relationship workshops do. They deal with surface things. EFT is a deeper dive. And we help couples begin to understand that relationships heal and transform with vulnerability and empathy. And we help couples slowly go there. And it's amazing how much ground couples can cover in the span of, of just a couple of days.
We, as I said, we see miracles happen. It's fascinating. It's beautiful.
[00:15:23] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: Yeah. Relationship turns completely around. And I'm curious because I'm sure this happens a lot where you get at least maybe one partner and the couple coming to you and saying, I don't need anybody. I'm fine on my own, and I'm curious, one, how you might get their buy in, or how you kind of do that education.
How are you able to help them understand and see the importance of the basis with all the attachment science? For someone who says, well,
[00:15:53] Mark Beck, LMHC: I don't need people and believe me, there are a lot of people look at it that way, not just that I don't need people, but you know, I can't afford to need people because every time I do, they let me down.
I've been hurt so many times. So I'm just not going there. I'm not going to open up and let somebody in. and so forth. And the short answer, and this is going to sound trite, and I don't mean to, you know, minimize anybody in that boat, but the simple question that I would ask is, you know, how's that working for you?
It, because, you know, I, I would think I would empathize with somebody who said, you know, it's got to suck to be in that boat because now you're in a real bind. The best choice you've got is to live at arm's length with the people around you. That's what I mean by, you know, how's that working for you?
Because it's got to be lonely. It's got to suck. But Sly, we can begin, you know, How many people understand that's a very normal response to the danger that comes from disconnection is just saying, okay, I'm just going to shut it down. I mean, that's basically about half the population comes up with that way of coping with it, just pulling away and going on radio silence and so forth.
But the downside of it is that it leaves you alone and hurting and there is a another way. to do that. Because people that will do that and go kind of pull away, then at some point, or in other things, build up. And so they live a sort of a shut up or blow up kind of existence. And there's a third rail.
There's another way to do that. But oftentimes it involves a vocabulary that they don't have a lot of practice with and never even realized was there. And that's the sort of the vocabulary of vulnerability and, and empathy. I want to stress though, in these workshops, We lead couples, we do not push couples.
Couples get to go at their own pace. We don't put anybody on the spot. Nobody gets called out. Okay. We do exercises. So that's another thing about these couples workshops that are so powerful is that they're experiential. We don't just talk about having different types of conversations. Conversations that couples aren't having right now.
We don't just talk about it. We give couples time and space to try those conversations, to have those conversations. But because we take couples at any age or stage, any condition, sometimes they say, you know, that conversation you're inviting us to have is a little too hot to touch for us. And so my statement to them is, okay, don't do that one then.
That's okay. So if somebody has to feel threatened, I know it's, for some couples, it's new ground, it's something you've never tried before, it's not lost on us, then it takes a certain amount of courage to try uncharted water, right? But I say this only partly tongue in cheek. Nobody's ever died in one of our workshops.
And so we let couples go at their own pace, and we don't give a test at the end of the weekend. People don't have to get certified for anything. It's not a pass fail experience, right? So we try to make it a fun, safe, low key kind of weekend, but at the same time it can be amazingly powerful. It's a sort of a get out of it what you put into it kind of proposition.
[00:18:47] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: Yeah, I mean, I think you can say that with anything, with therapy too. And so you say this workshop is more experiential. You have them working through their, you know, specific exercises. How is this workshop different than couples therapy that someone might come to weekly to see you?
[00:19:04] Mark Beck, LMHC: Thank you for asking that.
That's a great question because both the Hold Me Tight workshop and EFT therapy are both rooted in the same principles and the same basic, you know, foundations of attachment science. So it's a great question. Well, how is this different from going to therapy? So let me try to explain that. The first answer I would give is just structurally.
Couples therapy is usually a relatively solitary experience where Two partners and a therapist are in an office together and you're working on their relationship and their issues and it's sort of quite focused. Whereas a homie type workshop is a group experience. Okay, which can be a much different kind of experience.
I know from personal experience, both as a husband and as a therapist, that when couples are in distress, it's very easy to begin thinking, we are the most screwed up two people that ever walked this earth. No other couple could be as messed up as we are. How do we do this? And how in the world do we get this bad, right?
But you get couples together and they begin to realize, wow. We're not that different from these other people. We're kind of dealing with the same things. Now, no two couples are the same. And as I said earlier, I want to say it again. We take couples at any age or stage. We've had couples in their 20s who are dating.
We've had couples in their 80s who've been married for 50 years. And it's such a neat mix. Some couples are really struggling. We've had couples show up and on the first day they're willing to say, it was this or a lawyer. So, this is our last shot. We're at the end of our rope and we've tied a knot and we're holding on.
This is our last shot. We have couples literally in that kind of distress. We've had other couples who are like, Man, we are in it for keeps. We love each other. We just want to go from good to great. It's a wonderful mix. That group experience is a different dynamic and can help couples realize that although no two are the same, all couples, all humans, share very similar Needs and wishes and desires and patterns.
Humans are a pretty predictable lot, right? And so we all only have a certain number of tools in the toolbox for dealing with how to live together and how to, how to be happy. So it is really encouraging and uplifting for couples to realize, Wow, you know, we are kind of very similar. And, Sue Johnson loved to say, We're all turkeys in the same turkey suit.
And, it can be helpful to find that commonality. So that's a difference between a workshop and therapy. It's a group experience. But to distinguish it further, maybe I could illustrate it with a story. It doesn't seem that long ago, but sometimes it feels like a lifetime. But, At one point in my life, one of the careers I've had, I was an over the road truck driver.
I was a long distance truck driver and would run coast to coast and, and I know that any long distance truck driver would never head out on a trip without one specific indispensable tool, and every long distance trucker has one of these in their truck. And that's a road atlas. Some people don't even know what a road atlas is.
It's just a name for a thick book that has maps, detailed road maps of every state and every big city in the country. And with that road map, that driver can go from any place to any place efficiently without getting lost, without going around in circles. Otherwise, it would be hard, if not impossible, becomes efficient.
And smooth with that road atlas. That's what Hold Me Tight gives couples. We give couples a road map for how to get to where they want to go. And I'm telling you, I've been there as a husband and I've seen it as a therapist. Countless couples are lost. They may not even know where they want to go. They may not even agree on that.
But they don't know how to get there. Not all couples, but I'm telling you, it keeps me busy. So many couples don't know where they're going, and so they're just out there. They're just going, they're going with the rest of the crowd, but they don't know where they want to get to, and they wouldn't know how to get there if they did.
Or other couples are just going around in circles and they seem to end up in the same place time and again no matter what they try they keep doing the same thing over and over and you know that's just the definition of insanity and so it's such a desperate hopeless feeling. Not to know what to do to get to someplace good.
And I'm telling you, when you don't, when everything you've tried hasn't worked, that's just a short step away from believing that nothing you try will work. And that's when couples talk about throwing in the towel. So it is priceless to come to a workshop and to leave two days later with the clarity and the confidence to at least know we can get there.
You can see it in their eyes. You can see it. I'm hearing in their voice when they leave and they say, Thank God we can do this. We know where we want to go now. You can't put a price tag on that. That's invaluable. So that's what Hold Me Tight can give to couples. But if you still are asking, well, yeah, but what's the difference between that and therapy?
Let's go back to the truck driving illustration because that roadmap will help a driver get to where he or she needs to go, but the driver still has to go. They still got to get onto the steering wheel and drive that trip. And on the way, invariably, Things happen. Even if the truck's brand new, or it's meticulously maintained, and it's in excellent working order, still, accidents happen.
Machines break down, and you need mechanical work, right? There will be times where you got to take that truck out of service and get it to a facility with an expert technician who can do the repairs, do the bodywork, focused on that vehicle, and then get it back on the road. That's therapy for a couple.
In the relationship world, I'm the repair guy, right? I'm the technician, if you will. And I can work with couples and it depends on the issue. Sometimes the issue is no fault of their own. Sometimes it's some tragedy like a death or it's a transition like a birth or it's retirement and it just knocks a couple out of the frame for a time and there's no shame in going to therapy.
If I could do one thing for couples, it would just be to destigmatize therapy. Because it's not unhealthy, damaged couples that go to therapy. It's the healthy ones that know we can fix this. And we don't want to just get under the hood and start yanking out wires and hoping it'll get better. We're going to go to somebody that's got some experience and some training in this.
Okay? But that's therapy. It's different from what we do in a workshop. A workshop is more about learning and practicing new things. And it's, as I said, it's low key. It's not so much problem focused. And they are two very different things. And so I understand some couples are intimidated by the idea of therapy and so forth.
Well, don't worry about that. A homie type workshops, a very different experience. It's a good way to sort of get a safe, low key experience. Now, Vicki and I, I don't mean to toot our own horn, but we've, as I said, we've done about 20 of these workshops. We always see something new. I'd never say there's nothing we haven't seen, but want to ease people's mind and knowing that you're going to be with two people that have done this for a long time.
And you're in good hands, right? We're not just teaching something out of the box that we've never seen or heard before. So, I want people to feel confident and like, you know, this is a safe place and we're not going to put people in harm's way or do something that will, you know, traumatize you or whatever.
Long answer to a short question.
[00:26:42] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: I love it. I mean, this is what the podcast is for. Curious about, like, in these workshops. It sounds like kind of almost like an intro. If people are maybe afraid of going to therapy or just not a fan of that, this is a good way to get some buy in for change to happen, is what it sounds like.
I hope you're enjoying this episode. I want to take a moment to invite you to sign up for my free Attachment Dynamics Workshop. We have partners use this as a foundation before we get started in relationship therapy. By watching this, you'll learn how to recognize negative communication patterns, understand how power dynamics show up in conflict, and most importantly, discover ways to turn conflict into opportunities for deeper emotional connection.
And the best part? This is free for you. Make sure to head to paigebond.Com or hit the link in the show notes to access it for free. Now, let's get back to the episode.
[00:27:42] Mark Beck, LMHC: Exactly. There's more than one way to shift the equilibrium in your relationship, and this is a sort of a low risk, high reward proposition.
Again, you get to go at your own pace. And if you're like, I just want to dip my toe in the water and I'm not really into taking huge risks or anything, okay, you get to go at your own pace. But we've seen other couples who went straight for the deep end because they're like, it's time and we want to do this and we just need somebody to kind of hold our hand and keep us, you know, above water.
And so we can do that in this workshop. I love how Sue Johnson crafted this workshop. It's not just for high conflict couples or it's not just for couples that are good and want to get to great any and all can benefit from this. But let me say this. You probably would have asked me, but I think it's fair to address the question of.
Well, what couples wouldn't be a good fit for a homotype workshop? Are there any couples that you would say, you know, shouldn't? Because we don't interview couples. You don't have to pass a qualifying test or anything with us when you sign up. But I would say that there's a very small sliver of the population who would not be good prospects for a homotype workshop.
Workshop or maybe any couples workshop, and that would be couples that are highly Escalated couples, and I don't just mean couples that argue a lot that might feel like high escalation to you I'm talking about couples at risk of violence. I'm gonna have word for domestic violence is a frequent attendee in the relationship Where, you know, people are at risk of physically, literally getting injured or hurt.
That's not the place for a couple's workshop. That's a place for individual, and then later, couple's therapy. Okay, because that's, those are serious, that's serious pathology in the relationship. So, if there's danger of domestic violence, Highly escalated couples probably need to do some of the things before they would want to do.
They need to stabilize the relationship a little bit. Other places that where there would not be a good fit for a workshop would be couples dealing with ongoing, serious. Substance abuse, and I'm not talking about substance abuse where, you know, we've been managing this, we're trying to stay clean and sober and that kind of thing.
I'm talking about people that might show up to the workshop drunk or high because that coping skill is so present and so chronic, you know, they just are having trouble literally, you know, functioning. That wouldn't be good. Couples where one or both are trying to manage a chronic mental illness. I'm talking about maybe something like paranoid schizophrenia.
Or, some other psychotic process where they're severely functionally impaired in the course of a mental illness. Again, a couple's workshop would probably not be a good fit for them. So, again, that's a very slim sector of the population, but there would be And actually, in all due, in all honesty, we've never had that happen.
We've never had a couple in that boat to present and be turned away. Or, you know, register and we find out and then say, listen, I don't think this is a good idea for you to come. So it's, it's a very small minority. But other than that, any age or stage, any issues, and we take almost all comers. And, it makes for a really good population, a mix of couples.
[00:30:48] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: What is it like? I mean, how within two days? This sounds action packed, that you go, must go over so much material. So can you kind of dive into what is it like to go from coming into the workshop? Let's say that they are a distressed couple and that they do have conflicts going on. They don't have the tools or know how to communicate effectively.
How do you get from there to huge transformations in just those two days?
[00:31:14] Mark Beck, LMHC: Well, I can tell you that the workshop is really based very closely on the book, Hold Me Tight. Okay. And the book Hold Me Tight is seven chapters long. We do six in our workshop, but it's seven chapters long. And each chapter helps couples understand their relationship through a series of guided conversations.
And each conversation builds on the one before and gradually goes a little bit deeper, a little bit deeper into vulnerability and empathy. Okay. And each couple has to decide if they reach a point where they're ready, you know, going to tap out. Most couples are able and willing to go, you know, through the whole thing, but by the end of the second day, we've helped couples get deep enough to be quite vulnerable with each other and to know how to do that after they leave the workshop.
The workshop prepares couples to continue to grow closer after they go home. We don't do a rebuild in two days. The transformation comes, as I said, in the clarity and the confidence that you can continue to grow closer. It doesn't take much for couples to realize, wow, we can do this. Look what we just did.
We just had a conversation about some really deep stuff that we'd never had before. And that's enough to give couples the confidence to keep trying that, to keep doing that. And we'll say to them, if as you do this, you find you're hitting a bump, there's a big rock in the road and you're not sure what to do with it.
Okay, that's when you might decide, let's find an EFT therapist to help us unpack this. Listen, if couples go home from a homey type workshop knowing we want to work on our relationship more and we know how, we know where to go, we want to do it with an EFT therapist. And we, we help couples know where to find EFT therapists.
If that's what they leave knowing, that's a weekend well spent. Now, mind you, we don't do these workshops to try to drum up therapy clients because most couples don't decide they want to go into therapy after doing a Hold Me Tight workshop. But if that's what they learn in the course of the weekend, man, that's time well spent.
Can you imagine understanding, okay, now we got a plan. It's not that we still have to take this journey, it's that we know how to take it. That's a game changer. So the answer to your question is the workshop is a series of guided conversations that each build on the one before. And so by the end of the second day, we've helped couples actually get quite deep.
into their vulnerability and their empathy, and, it may be conversations they've never had, never knew they could have, never knew they needed to have, and have never seen what those kind of conversations can do for them. That's how it can lead to what seems like a real transformation in the relationship.
[00:33:56] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: Yeah, sounds like they get to the point where the risk of talking about the deeper, more vulnerable topics is worth all the rewards, is worth the benefits. They're feeling better, and now they're realizing the conflict is gone. It's sort of melting away in a different way. That's right. Manage it. So they're like, let's do it more, right?
[00:34:15] Mark Beck, LMHC: When couples have been sort of hiding behind the walls with each other for so long, if they get a glimpse that, you know, we could do this differently, we could change our conversation. If all of our conversations become confrontations, we don't want to have those conversations. If we learn that we can have conversations that actually.
Draw us closer. When a couple realizes there's no conversation we can't have because we know how to turn toward one another. We know how to catch one another when we're feeling vulnerable. We know how to be there for each other. Are you there for me? The answer is yes. Even in the hard conversations, dude, they got it made.
Because, you know, it's not about never having another conflict. That, it's not going to happen. It's about knowing how to repair if and when you do have a conflict. And when you know there's no conversation we can't have, we know how to be there for one another, then they got, they got it made. And if all couples could learn that.
I'd be back in the truck, I'd be unemployed and it would be great, but I don't think that's going to happen.
[00:35:12] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: And the world would be so happy. I think that's what would give us world peace is if we could get all these partnerships on board. I do have a question around because I work with a lot of couples who struggle with differentiation and when they hear vulnerable feelings from their partner, they struggle with hearing that without taking it personally dysregulated.
So I'm wondering If one, if that ever shows up in workshops and then to what you do to help them get back to a place of calm and comfort
[00:35:45] Mark Beck, LMHC: shows up every day, every time. Absolutely. That's a very natural response to hearing your partner's pain. But we work on helping both partners stay centered enough to just get it, not fix it, if you're on the receiving end.
And we help the partner who's trying to share that, stay with their experience, not their opinion. It's one thing to say, I get so scared when I'm not sure if, if I'm important to you. I get, that scares me, and then I do my whatever it is I do, as opposed to, I don't think that I'm very important to you. I think you're more interested in other things.
Now you just blamed your partner and put them on the defensive, and you're going to get an argument about that. But how can you argue with your partner saying, it scares me to death? I'm so scared. I don't want to lose you. You can't argue with that. So, we try to help couples change the conversation. So that each of them can be there for each other.
Even when it isn't easy to hear. Even when you hurt over your partner's hurting. It's possible for us to change those conversations to make them safe. And at the end of the day, that's the goal of a Hold Me Tight workshop. And, incidentally, the goal of therapy. is to create safety. Okay, that's safety. Are you there for me?
Yes, that's a safe connection. Our job is to create safety, even in the simple conversations that we have. And if we can help couples keep their eye on the ball, stay focused on what really needs to happen, then they can have conversations that connect them.
[00:37:11] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: Well, we're coming down to time, and we've covered so much ground.
And I really love how much people can get out of these workshops. Again, it's Such a little amount of time to, like, propel them forward. For a lifetime of, like, having these tools to take with them forever. Is there anything that we haven't covered yet that you do want to make sure listeners know about Hold Me Tight workshops, about EFT, emotionally focused therapy, before we do wind down and wrap up?
[00:37:40] Mark Beck, LMHC: Well, I think I would say to those couples who may be in therapy now, a Hold Me Tight workshop can be a real shot in the arm. It can be a booster. Nobody's trying to replace You're a therapist. We're not sheep stealers, right? But it can really be a boost. And we've, we've had couples who are in therapy and not with us come to the workshop and they leave saying, wow, we really, we just kind of feel like we have made so much progress in these two days.
It's going to really give a boost to the therapy that we're doing and that we will continue to do. And so that's an option. And again, we're not trying to, to drum up new therapy clients. But sometimes couples come to a workshop and by the time the weekend is over, they decide we need to do some more focused work on our relationship and we know the kind of therapy that we want to do.
So, a lot of times, this can be a real, sort of a, an adjunct to the therapy that couples are doing and there's, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It can really be a boost.
[00:38:35] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: Yeah, I love that. It's kind of like just a, a bit of a little assist for them if they find that they're getting stuck in their regular therapy sessions or Sometimes it's so hard to squeeze, you know, if it's every week that they see each other or every other week, it's hard to squeeze all that into maybe one hour or a 90 minute session.
Whereas you get that focus two days, you get the tools and now you know what to work on in that one hour every week. So I love that, you know, you have that idea of, Hey, let's use it too if you're already in therapy or you can graduate from the workshop if you want. And if you still need go to therapy after.
Very cool. That's right. Well, thank you so much, Mark. I really love that I was able to just kind of randomly reach out to you via our connection with Vicki and ask you just out of the blue if you wanted to be on the podcast and share more. I know what you do here in Central Florida is Show Transformational for all of the couples around here that do attend your workshops, can you say a little bit more about where people can find you, how they could sign up for a workshop, or if they wanna start couples therapy with you?
[00:39:44] Mark Beck, LMHC: Absolutely. As I said, the, the, the enterprise Vicki and I started is called Couples Workshops of Florida, and that's our web address, couples workshops of florida.com, all one word, lowercase. And all the information about dates of upcoming workshops. Questions that you might have or ways that you can reach out to Vicki and or me is on that website.
So you can reach either one of us that way. And we do the workshops on a Friday and Saturday. Our next workshop is weekend after next. August 9th and 10th. There's still time to sign up. Orlando is a great place. We do them on Friday and Saturday so that couples maybe can take a long weekend, have Sunday to unwind.
Maybe go to one of the theme parks. Orlando has more hotel rooms per capita than any city in the world. And so it's a great place to find other things to do after the workshop and sort of Make it a working vacation, working on your relationship. So we would love to have you any questions or anything we're happy to answer.
And we're just , as close as an email or a phone call. So get in on it. Don't miss this. It's a great opportunity to do something good and maybe eternal for your relationship. And thank you, Paige, for inviting me to be on your podcast. It's been a real pleasure.
[00:41:03] Paige Bond, Relationship Expert: Yeah, oh my gosh, no, thank you so much for being here and especially getting to talk to a seasoned therapist who has been in the field as long as you have and specializing in this work.
I'm very lucky to have you. So thank you so much for doing what you do and listeners, I'll make sure to have all of the links to be able to sign up for the workshop or check out Mark's website, Vicki's website to be able to do therapy or the hold me tight workshop and you can go find them real easy in the show notes.
So thanks so much again and listeners, I'll catch you on the next episode. And that's a wrap for today's episode of Stubborn Love. I hope you gathered some wisdom to bring into your love life and improve your relationships. If you enjoyed today's chat, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review.
That'll help this episode reach even more listeners. If you have any questions or stories you would like me to cover in the future episodes, drop me a message. I love hearing from you. If you need extra support in your relationships, check out how we might be able to work together by popping on my website at paigebond.Com. Until next time, don't let being stubborn keep you from secure love. Catch you in the next episode.
